apparently someone is sad that i din like my new job... but how do i let the person know that i ain't gonna be liking any job coz i just dun like working. i just wanna bum around.

i dun particularly hate my job, so i guess that's fine? and its not really all that tough too? just remain a small fry, you get more support from seniors and slack! so i guess i really do not dislike the job. i just dun like it. neutral is the word. i am neutral towards many many things.

the only job i like a wee lil bit, this person asked me to quit. and now the person is concerned over how i do not like my job? weird. but whatever. NEUTRALITY = ZEN

i think i'm having a mid life crisis. feeling damn depressed these days.

why is it so damn hard to be happy? why must i push myself forward?

is it wrong to be happy with what i already have? for fuck's sake, aint a degree enough?

screw studying... i wish...

its so wrong. i just wanna settle down, with a stable job, have enough time to go out and all, visit all my games, exercise a lil bit. save up and then holiday...

i'm breaking down soon. is apocalypse coming or not??

its been so long

Skeletons in my closet, ghosts of the past.

Saw them all in the recent Zoukout. What happened to Hamster? Why did she look so sad? Why is she a 'bayak'? I remember back when I was a mere server, she was a proud bartender. What happened? Her lizard tattoos, distinctive enough for me to recognize her... bringing back lotsa memories...

Shukor, last i heard he had a western food stall in Yishun.
Fifie, that damn lil bitch(gay) has disappeared in my life, taking along my $150.
Rosmah, gave birth already, stupid brazilian bf, last met at KK hospital, owes me $350.
Adder, the bitchy floor manager with a richter scale mood swing.
Bird, one of the best flairer i know, once with dreadlocks.
Haslie, the first ever whom i sent to work on my bike, married to the then 6-in-the-city female singer.
Raju, the dumb indian who liked to go by the name Roy, intro me to the club. (Heck he even spent a night in my house, drinking baron strong brew.)
Eugene and Ken, one of the few chinese colleagues i met at the club.
Anita, the indian cashier who liked to call me "munjen" which means yellow coz i was the only chinese in floor and bar.
Hanafi & Alex, Nana, Mimie, Addie(Boss), John, Kerry, AB, Razali & Jihan, Yai, Tia & Naz (still in the promoter & modeling biz), Sarah, Udah, Shah (both bar&floor) and many more whose names i cant really remember. So many Malays I knew from the 1 year plus that i worked there...

what memories. my first and only MP3 that i've bought, from the salary there, my bike guarantors, my first kiss from customer (for a lollipop)... those were the days when i was young, naive, gullible and din had no worries.

ciao, my past. back to the closet you go... ...

wanted to change song for this blog, putting a new playlist... but dunno how to do it... shit my IT sucks balls...

i should have enough to survive for two months without any work by december... but i may be getting a pay rise n promotion in Jan or somewhere near. i badly need a rest...

its been more than half a year or two jobs, acca, dating and some slack time(where i was too tired to even play games) where i nua-ed with all my heart... so blardy tempted to nua...

the dream of waking up when i feel like it, eating when i'm hungry, playing games when i'm bored. repeat the steps in whatever pattern. go swimming occasionally to keep weight in check...

almost 2 yrs into office life. can't say i enjoy it. but well, its been quite a breeze workload wise... but tiring to act educated and not just say "fuck you" straight to the asses' faces when they annoy you. 5 yrs of bartending life now that i look back, has been relatively simple. sleep, study, work, go out. brains utilized only when exam is near.

i have never been the type to mull over words before i speak and its mostly the same for other bartenders. communication can get frustrating when they refuse to understand or they cannot comprehend. i now understand that this is the same case for all humans. even in the office. so anyway, politics and competition exists everywhere, just that the degree of it may vary.

over the years, i've mellowed down. swallowed scathing remarks to colleagues. but some people are just getting on my nerves. i know i'm protective of my department, but its natural for me to be. lil mofo, complaining other people when your the one with the lousier attitude. and the best thing. you neglected your job, i reminded in a roundabout way and i got complained by your superior too. fucked up department. like, nnbccb what right have you got to complain when i was just speaking the truth and highlighting to you that updating that file was your underling's job? all these while you could spare time to cut ur nails in the office and now suddenly you have an underling and she is too busy to even update such a basic file? who are you trying to fool? do i look like i'm 3 yrs old or do you think i'm retarded like you?

sighz... its not like i cannot take it any longer, but sometimes, i just dun feel like taking this kinda crap... (why do i feel like someone's gonna flip out when she sees this, asking me why i did not tell her? so to explain before that confrontation comes: u are busy enough without having to worry for me. i know you will worry but there are some things that i need to go through, to grow up. i cannot let myself be an extra burden to u, or anyone. especially since i seem to be unable to help you in lotsa stuff...)

waves of depression, repercussions of stress.

one step after another, ongoing rat races.

joys of simple games, contentment of afternoon naps

further and further, into the recess of memories.

i apologise for bitching. i'm just being true to myself :)

tired... embarked on a new journey to lose weight. swimming. wonder how long i can keep it up. ultra depressing to go swim instead of sleeping at home. i dun have enough sleep alr as it is. no time to go out, no time to chill, no time to nua. wonder if i will break down soon. i need more money to stop all work for 3 months...

its been a long time...

my aunt is finally coming back to singapore for good after quitting her job. she and another aunt may be setting up some business? hope i can help her (not financially of course...)
that means my parents are gonna lose "their" car!!! they can go back to asking me politely to use the car. about time anyway.

dilemma. am i supposed to feel satisfied when you tell me you are going to raise my pay by a mere $0.50 after all this time? am i that insignificant? and who are you to judge my work anyway. sure you may have the rank but you were not the one to work with me all these while. we just started working together recently. i am in no way inferior to you, just that i may lack the competitive heart and scheming mind... and as for others who have the power to judge me, screw you coz you are blind. And dumb to not know that its not enough to judge based on feelings or what you see because you damn well dun see enough, yer frog in the well. you have disappointed me enough.

shithole to work in, but i guess i'll stick around a while more, just to accompany a special someone, earn my moolah. after that, weekends will be gaming time. i will save up the moolah from this shithole and buy my com, then chiong maple. life is only good when you have something to look forward to. and the money, i'll save up some to bring you abroad, or partly sponsor anyway.

when i leave again, i'm never coming back for good. i can always find another part time job else where if i need to. its a matter of pride. they say pride aint worth no money, but to me, a person may have nothing but pride will always remain by their side, so treat it well. stepping on the pride too much will result in a warped personality.

well anyway, i guess i will survive anyhow. i survived when i used to earn half the amount i am earning now didnt i? if i could do it then, i can do it now. i dun spend much anyway. (yes yes i will spend some on myself and make myself happy)

For now, shopping anyone? even though i do not know what i want to buy, i just wanna look around and hopefully get to buy something nice for myself. i think the last time i shopped in singapore to get myself stuff was when i got dumped! wonder how Jasmine is doing? my random one time shopping partner...

ciao~

悶熱的天氣，鬱悶的心情。

在你面前我總是把自己弄得毫無尊嚴，身心疲累。

我在學著怎麼去愛，怎麼信任。

一面想著放心去信任，卻又老是碰到讓我有著被欺騙的感覺。

I wonder why my chinese fonts are in traditional chinese.

need to brush up on my IT skills...

Its nearly exam again. every 6 months... my life is so screwed...